then i would

Monday, May 28, 2007...1:00 PM.

Time really flies fast. It seems like it was
just yesterday. As today is the 29th may '07, it is exactly
one month since we went together. But though today is suppose to be a special day, there is nothing to celebrate about.
We still did not get a chance to talk yet but i still feel it that we
should be together. I choose not to listen to others because i
only want to hear it from her. I choose not to believe what
anyone told me because i believe in the things we used to talk about on how we are going to start a new together.

I do not know if this is still a possibility, but evernight i pray that she will eventually know what she really want and just tell me. I am still hanging in the air but i'm hanging by a very thin line of hope. Were we ever meant to be. Is the love still as strong as ever?! No matter how much of pain i've gone through, i never once blame it on her as i know that when i chose to be with her and one day spend the rest of my life with her, i am willing to be in it together with her through thick or thin. I may not be able to give her everything she wants now. But i know that i'll never let her suffer. If i know i can never make it in life than i will let her go for she

deserves much more. And when i was told than love

isn't enough to build a relationship, i sat down to think what else did we need to build this relationship. Than it came to me that to build a good relationship, you need to build a base of friendship first. Then you step in love not because you have to but because you want to. After that it'll all fall into place with trust and sincerity. Love is really all you need. Unless the love is lost than ........i guess there is nothing else that can be done to undo the wrong and to praise the right. I guess you start to see a vision of the beginning when it all ends. But is it the end for us? What is most hurting is not to be able to be beside you when i need you. Were you really sick & tired? Did you really want to not be in a relationship because you were sick & tired or because you finally found somebody else? Nobody saw me as a person who could actually be in a serious relationship, But just as i prove all those who didn't believe in me wrong, I failed to myself. I was so excited in building up my career and helping you with yours all because of the things we planned together. Was there ever a doubt about my love for you.

| want to share my life with you. The good, the bad & the ugly too. Share every dream, share everyday for as long as we live & breathe, ok? No one compares to you. Now that we've met, no one else can take your place. | love you with a love so pure & true, and i know that our love will get us through anything. | know god sent you and that he saved you for me, knowing that | deserve the best & because you are that amazing, super wonderful woman that stands out from the rest. I've never felt this way before. It's only you i'll adore. Tell me to be yours and yours forever i shall. Be my queen & i'll be your king. Together, we can do anything baby.

Just take my hand & let's be together for life. You are the best thing by far, that's ever happened to me. Someday as we look back on all the pain & strife, it'll be worth it - all the hardships in life. Because we have each other, happiness that money can't never buy. An eternal love as endless as the sky.

- | love you -

thenbrownbearwould
1:00 PM

Monday, May 21, 2007...2:27 AM.

its all here.....

I found a chip in the glass i was drinking in the other day.
Story of my life !

This few days, the walks to no designated place gave me the time to think about
what she said. I did think of something and that was about how the heart &
mind have different thinking. Than i remembered someone once told me,
it is a matter of what you want. Because both belongs to you and only you.
So it is a choice of your mind controlling your heart or your heart rulling your mind.

The places i saw, The people i met, The problems i faced.
I faced them well because i had her in mind. I thought i was moving
the right path. But then i realise where my fault was. I was pushing too fast.
My baby wanted to start over a new beginning be it work, love ...
I forced it to fast on her and thus the results. F*$% me!!!

I always kept saying that when you are in a relationship, you must know that whatever you do,
you have to think about your other half. Because when you are in a relationship, its never about you anymore. But i guess i did not follow what i said. If ther was a way, i'd bring back a few steps and move slower. Some people think that love is all i'm thinking about of now.
Some thinks that i don't have any aim in life just because i doing nothing at the
moment. My future is waiting now but i also know it won't wait for very long.
All i want is for eveything to move up together at a sturdy pace. I don't want to leave one behind.

Last night i met a close friend and she notice the only ring on my finger. She liked it and as usual wanted to take it and wear it. But then she notice the ring mark on my finger. And she asked how long have this ring been on my finger. i replied her and she returned it to me and said. "Clifton, you have changed".
"This ring means alot to you if not the mark won't be there". With these words,
i felt the feeling of lost in my body when all seemed well.
Then i only realise that in me seeing that all was well,
was just an illusion. I was still hurting.
The brave front i tried to put up could only fool a few but not the ones that were dearest to me.

What was i fighting for all these months?!
It is like a primary school project of building something simple like a farm.
When you have almost done everything up and suddenly something falls apart and you have to re-do it.
Than you start to think, Where did i go wrong?!
What did i miss out or what did i not put more into?!

Can things ever go back to the times when it was just us?!
I know love is not the only factor but without love there is nothing to begin with am i right?!
How is it so? Why is it so?
I might find someone better, but i'll never find someone like you.
The one i love... The only one i wanna spend my life with...

I'm still trying to put up that strong front. But it ain't easy.
I know we have our careers and the things we want to set straight in life.
But i don't feel the need to be alone when we are pursuing all this.
I really must have went wrong somewhere.

as you are serious, i'm also serious in bulding a whole new world
with you... Would you still give us that chance? I never meant to wrong you.
I never meant to be selfish either. If you could look through my heart, you will see nothing but sincerity as i say this out.

Girl you better have fun cuz i'm a fool...
Cuz nothing compares to you...
Till we have that talk, I'll be there for you no matter what. I'll be that
pillow to cushion the fall.

When i said to be fair, i meant that if ever something ever happened
to you, i don't know what i'll ever do.

Tell me to my face if you don't want me anymore. It may hurt me much but it is better than this.
Tell me to my face if you want me & need me too...
No matter what, you can be assured that i love you and my heart's an open door for you.

The circle i once showed you for its always neverending
............O...........

thenbrownbearwould
2:27 AM

Saturday, May 19, 2007...1:30 AM.

The Day

Its been 7yrs since he ever dropped a tear. yesterday that 1st tear drop and he was all alone facing the river of Singapore thinking of where he should go from there. What he should do. But nothing could come to his mind. It was all a blamk. There was no reason but advise which he didn't want to hear as he was already lost and wanted to be left alone. She was the gem he lost once and now he has lost her yet once again. Neither words nor actions can be used to describe him anymore. Someone called him with full of concern to tell him that there is other things in life other than relationship. But the problem is he has everything else in place except relationship. A failure he was. The hurt runs deep through the bloodstream and veins of his aching body. The words were cold and piercing.... Was there ever a doubt that this would happen?! Maybe he is just naive and always thought & hoped for the best only. The things they shared, the places they went. the wishes they planned.................. Some protested, some encouraged, some just stood by, some admired. Despite all this, he pushed on for something far better for the both of them. It like building something and when you loose the most important thing... the floor plan that holds the whole structure, What happens? Either you stand there lost or you have a back-up. In this case, there was no back-up, only her. She never realise how important she was in his life.... She was partly the beams of his whole life. The one that actually kept him going. He was strong even if he had no one by his side. But when he chose for her to come into his life, She did not realise that she naturally became the main pillar of him. Not being able to call or message her is killing him so much that he still tear as he drafts this. If she did love him, Why is this happening. She blames herself for all that has happen without knowing that guilt and lost is what he feels now as like nothing was ever his fault. Surely there must have been something that he did. All the people in her life, he did try but she didn't give him enough time before passing judgement. In ones life, one cannot spend too much time looking for love & career. Instead one should spend more time nurturing the love they might find & master the career that they might find too. She told him that he deserves someone better. Was that ever a fair sentence to begin with?! Yes, he will still live on. But with that hole that cannot be easily replace. The sore feeling still hinders and the tears still dropped. He lost the feeling of how a tear comes. And today he felt the pain as every drop came falling down. Its too painful..............

-Master Ng Will NEVER cry for another girl ever again-

thenbrownbearwould
1:30 AM

Friday, May 18, 2007...12:11 AM.

In the End

A girl once asked a guy if she was pretty, the guy replied NO.
Than she asked him if he he wanted to be with her forever, again he replied NO.
After much thought she asked him if she would to leave, would he cry?! Again, his reply was a simple NO.

She had heard enough.

As she walked away, tears streaming down her face, he grabbed her arm and said..

you're not pretty, you're beautiful.

I don't want to be with you forever, i NEED to be with you forever.

And i wouldn't cry if u left, I'd die~

Words can be just words... But they hold strong meanings and thus it is important to understand wad every word mean otherwise it is pointless. Love may not be a only factor in a r/s, but that doesn't mean u have to neglect it just to fufill the rest...He loved you once, you didn't realise... He loved you twice, you walked away.... When will she really choose to walk back into his love & bring their love to a neverending stop. He listen to her favourite songs 815 times now and it hurts because this song .......................... its beautiful~
She is the one he treasures alot though at times he doesn't show it out. He is lousy, useless & unpredictable. But there is one thing he learned and that is without love there can be no he or she. And without the love to begin with, the rest of it that comes in a relationship can never start to work. She is confused, he is lost... If she wants to be alone than where does he stand?! Things have to talked out or everything is lost as he fears.... HE doesn't want to loose her but she is pushing him away further & further. She said she finally knows what she wants in life now... What is it that she wants?! Does she want him to leave but don't know how to tell him.?! Does she want him to stay but something else is holding her back.?! They need to talk~!!!!!!

thenbrownbearwould
12:11 AM

Tuesday, May 15, 2007...10:25 PM.

useless~!

ytd i was not angry but just feeling sad that she did not try to make an effort to msg me even if she was busy... No matter how busy i am/was, i nvr once not msg her. Even if i did not, when she msg i always replied. ytd she told me that we should be alone for awhile because both of us seem too hot... If she know me as well as she claim, than she should know that i can't do that...its either we're together or we're not. The definition of a r/ship is to work out all problems big/small together...When you're together, all problems are shared...that is where the test of patience, sincerity, love, commitment and trust is being tested... I wanted to be different from the others, If you make me look like just another guy,( the rest) than what does that tells?! that you still want every possible guy who might like you... When i came back to you, it was not because i wanted to play because believe me, if i wanted to play i could find someone else...i came back to you because i really like you but it doesn't seem that way for you... she says that love isn't enough to build the bridge. I agree but is love the only thing that made her go with me?! The way you are right now has to do when you were badly hurt by some guy?!... But from my experience, its not fair to the rest. i believe that taking revenge on other people is not a way to solve your problem. It will just lead to more problems. she says that she don't want me to be in a difficult position. i won't be if she gave me the assurance. To be somebody elses girlfriend i won't know but to be mine was never too hard. I never ask for much and i never controlled too much. Am i such a bad boyfriend?! She says she loves me, how much of love is for me?! Is this love of hers being shared. When she say she can't commit. its because she still wants to have fun? because she can't let go of all the guys, afraid tat one day she won't have that kind of attention anymore? What is it....i really don't understand. you don't just tell someone that you need some time alone because it doesn't work tat way. If u really love me whole heartedly than u won't say this. Do u really love me tat much to be able to let me go just like that...?! Tell me one thing you did that made me feel that i'm your boyfriend other than just introducing me to all your kor kor which i did for you. I'm not saying all this here for everyone to know my problems. but i don't talk to people about this problems, i always keep it to myself. So i don't expect any replies from anybody else. If you always say the problems lies with you, than i'm just no better at being a boyfriend if i can't help you. when i ask the simple question if your intention is to break up with me, why can't you give me an answer...what is holding you back from a yes or no?! If it is a yes than i'll leave you and you can have all the time in the world to cool down. But if no than i'm still willing to work with you on the building of our bridge. If i'm not clear enough in this draft, than i need you to tell me wad i miss out... Dear i am not having fun~!

-sad soul-

thenbrownbearwould
10:25 PM

Sunday, May 13, 2007...6:14 AM.

A series of unfortunate events....

We are together but ppl still ask me is she urs?! Why is tat so...does it not seem clear enuff?! i guess not cuz if it was than ppl wun be asking such questions......Does she take me as the one she loves cuz frm the bottom of my heart i can say tat i dun feel it yet...Where is the love, where is she?My bro was saying abt the playing mode thingy...My bro knows me too well..but this time he is unsure cuz he dun see me as me anymore...wad i mean is i'm serious enuff to be with one that every other girl does not matter....i am not holding back anymore...there is no third or fourth party in my life anymore...But the question is wad does she want...?! She says that she realise wad she wans in life now...i wish she can share it with me so i can understand better... There is a saying~ Everyone can want to be with you, But how how many do you want to be with? Wad is a gf/bf ?! Wad makes a gf/bf different from the others...I'll reveal all here today.....Someone who u cant get rid of in ur mind, the one whom u want to spend every waking hour with if possible, one whom u can trust to be by ur side no matter wad, the one who will bring u to the clouds when all else fails, the one who thinks of the best ways to tell u of ur imperfection,one whom u can trust to keep ur darkest secrets when others cannot...the one who will commit all of him/her to u cuz deep down he/she will feel that u will nvr betray her even if u ever do. When u betray someone, tat someone may or may not forgive u,tat someone may nvr wan to speak to u,tat someone might even feel like hitting u. BUt all this aside, the most important thing is tat when u betray someone, u are actually betraying urself for the very start... Dear, Darling, baby, sweetheart, precious...all this may just be words but its words tat comforts, dignifies, puts the difference....actions speaks louder but words are like swords/arrows. it can hurt and it help... Like someone once told me, a piece of rock, if polished can become some precious stone. But an unpolished rock will always be a rock...So polish urself to outshine the rest .... there are times when i feel tat all this make sense and there are times when i get confuse.... Now the only thing that is clear to me is i've somwhow fallen in love and wadever others may say i'll listen only cuz i wanna build the trust ..w/o trust than a relationship is jus a lie... Bro's, mei's, jie's, kor...dun worry abt me yea...i know wad i am doing....changes in my life is a gd thing....My darling wants to work hard together with me...those were her words... Let me live this on my own,though i still wanna hear ur advices but this is just me and her... Thanks everyone for the support ... Frm here on, me and her have to work on the problems together...At least only then can we ourselves know that we tried and we did it.... Hmmz...i guess i have leave now for the bear needs food.... =)

thenbrownbearwould
6:14 AM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007...2:54 PM.

The Things

Wad are the things....?! i always get to find out things even when i dun even try... Why is this so...?! Am i really always that unlucky or was it a sign or an indirect ans...?! i dun try to think so much but things keep on popping out infront of me.... Story of his life.........She somehow managed to open one of the msges sent and thus he saw wad was written in it..."it doesn't mean if you sleep with him means he is worthy of your love" i mean, wad kind of idiotz would say something like that. Unless you intend to play ard from the start... Does that idiotz know wad he is even saying before sending such a msg....Who can understand?! He is trying and he also knows that she is trying but trying not hard enough...The only conclusion to it is she cant let go of one... She says, she doesn't want to hurt or be unfair to either party including herslf....The is NO such things as not getting hurt...In a situation like this, one will def have to get hurt but dun take too long.... becuz instead of hurt, it might turn to hatred... To all guys...except those who r jus the same.... (1) don't think ur better than the nxt cuz it will eventually bring u down. (2) Always respect a girl the way u wan them to respect u cuz in the end the girl tat u hurt the most might be the one u wanted all ur life. Lastly i only wanna say tat Master Ng have finally learned tat he can nvr have everything he wants but he knows he wants her whole heartedly but does she want the same thing?! tat is the question in his mind. The times they shared together alone in the warmth of the day, the coolness of the night....they way he wrapped his arms around her and the way she cuddled towards him...was all this just an act or was that all love....he had her in mind...did she have him in mind all the same or was there someone else?! All this will unfold soon...All things will eventually come to an end...He wants to end with her by his side. Like a fairy tale story with happy endings.. Can she make that happen?! We'll see as the story of his life unfolds... Can they really be together or does she wants to be with someone else..... The Things~!

thenbrownbearwould
2:54 PM